Why is it that folks think it's OK to send rude or hateful emails?
Every now and then I receive a mean-spirited, accusatory email from a customer. It's always upsetting to me because I take my business very seriously and when I receive an email like this it's really hard to not take it personally.
I hadn't been in business very long when I received my first such email. And let me tell you, it was a barn-burner! In retrospect, I'm surprised that there wasn't smoke coming out of the keyboard as I read it It was a 2-page scathing email, chopping me down, calling me a scam artist and other vicious personal insults. This gal said she was going to sue me for everything I was worth and she even had a couple of things to say about my mother!
To say I was devastated was an understatement. I turned off the computer wondering if I should just give up. I hardly slept that night. I spent the better part of the next morning carefully addressing each and every point in the email, and I refunded her money with my deepest apologies.
The next day after sending the email and refund, I called that customer to try to talk through the complaints. She cheerfully took my call saying, "Oh don't worry about that! I wasn't really that upset. I was just in a really crummy mood, and I had had a really horrible day and I was just venting," she laughed. "I really didn't think anyone would read that email anyway!"
I hung up totally dumbstruck.
She was LAUGHING!
I wanted to ask her exactly what there was about her letter that she found so funny,
but I literally couldn't speak.
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Because here's the deal...when we yell at the coffee or snack machine, it's fine, because they're just mechanical appliances...
And when we talk junk (or worse) about the driver in the car in front of us, it's fine because they can't hear us...
But when we scream at a website or company by way of our computer or phone, it's all too easy to forget that we're no longer dealing with an inanimate object, but a person. For some reason folks feel emboldened by the anonymity they feel sitting behind that computer screen in the privacy of their homes. I guess it's all too easy to forget that at the other end of the line is a real person, a lot like you, whose birthday was last week, who's little girl kept her up half the night with a fever, who's worried about making ends meet AND is personally affected by the things you say.
As you can imagine, I get dozens of emails each day and the overwhelming majority are positive and many are wonderfully written by terrific people across the globe who have been to my site and are in need of assistance or advice. However, for those thankfully few folks who insist upon peppering their accusations, demands or complaints with profanity and other expletives about my character, well... the only response they'll be getting from now on is a swift DELETE!
Every now and then I receive a mean-spirited, accusatory email from a customer. It's always upsetting to me because I take my business very seriously and when I receive an email like this it's really hard to not take it personally.
To say I was devastated was an understatement. I turned off the computer wondering if I should just give up. I hardly slept that night. I spent the better part of the next morning carefully addressing each and every point in the email, and I refunded her money with my deepest apologies.
The next day after sending the email and refund, I called that customer to try to talk through the complaints. She cheerfully took my call saying, "Oh don't worry about that! I wasn't really that upset. I was just in a really crummy mood, and I had had a really horrible day and I was just venting," she laughed. "I really didn't think anyone would read that email anyway!"I hung up totally dumbstruck.
She was LAUGHING!
I wanted to ask her exactly what there was about her letter that she found so funny,
but I literally couldn't speak.
__________________________
Because here's the deal...when we yell at the coffee or snack machine, it's fine, because they're just mechanical appliances...
And when we talk junk (or worse) about the driver in the car in front of us, it's fine because they can't hear us...But when we scream at a website or company by way of our computer or phone, it's all too easy to forget that we're no longer dealing with an inanimate object, but a person. For some reason folks feel emboldened by the anonymity they feel sitting behind that computer screen in the privacy of their homes. I guess it's all too easy to forget that at the other end of the line is a real person, a lot like you, whose birthday was last week, who's little girl kept her up half the night with a fever, who's worried about making ends meet AND is personally affected by the things you say.
As you can imagine, I get dozens of emails each day and the overwhelming majority are positive and many are wonderfully written by terrific people across the globe who have been to my site and are in need of assistance or advice. However, for those thankfully few folks who insist upon peppering their accusations, demands or complaints with profanity and other expletives about my character, well... the only response they'll be getting from now on is a swift DELETE!
Any thoughts or comments?
I'd love for you to share them in the space provided below.
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And per usual, if you've enjoyed this post, we invite you to pass it on to others in any way you see fit.
So sorry you have to deal with things like this. I can't imagine how anything could result in this kind of behavior.
ReplyDeleteSwearing is for folks with a very limited vocabulary. When students/children are upset I always tell them to use good words to explain their situation. Sorry you have to put up with that, particularly on a nice website/blog. Deleting and going on to have a 'happy day' is definitely the right approach.
ReplyDeleteUp to now it's always been my policy to answer every email. But while I'd love to straighten out any problem or answer every question I can, it feels degrading to do so when presented with this type of email.
ReplyDeleteIt's all part of doing business I guess...
Thanks for the comments!
:)
In my opinion, e-mail, texting and things like facebook, have turned people into cowards. They can say things that they normally wouldn't be brave enough to say to your face. For whatever that's worth!
ReplyDeleteI agree that anonymity seems to embolden some folks say things they'd probably never say face-to-face. It is unfortunate that you have to deal with these things.
ReplyDeleteSomething that helps me with this kind of thing, computerized or in person, is to accept that the only control I have in any situation is my reaction to it. Their anger is their problem and I don't have to accept it. I can choose my calm and my sense of self-worth instead of buying into their anger. I'm probably not even the real source of their anger, but just an outlet, like the customer you spoke about above.
Do I remember to do this all of the time? Hell no. But when I do, it makes for a better day.
You are so right about this Diane! I wish I could remember this all the time as well! :)
DeleteI think with the advent of the internet (and other social media) people are beginning to think that the people they are responding to aren't 'real' and therefore they can say what they want. We are faceless so therefore have no feelings. I'm sorry you have to go through this!
ReplyDeleteYou know sometimes i think, (especially of late), that the general tone in our country has come to accept the fact that people be rude in public and to each other. It used to be that you kept these things to yourselves, but now folks seem to feel not only entitled, but OBLIGATED to say what they are thinking, before considering the ramaifications. It's sad really. :(
DeleteIt kind of takes me back to what my mother and my grandmother taught me (or tried to anyways); if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
DeleteHaving to be on the receiving end of that kind of "abuse" (and it is) is never easy. Unfortunately, it is a "sign of the times" we are living in and will most likely get worse as the "season" continues. BUT, Diane is absolutely correct....we are only responsible for our response. If we can remember to "respond", rather than "react", we might just be able to "heap coals of fire on his/her head". :)
ReplyDeleteThe next verse says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." REALLY hard to do sometimes, but I've seen it work more than once! We had a next door neighbor a while back who got very angry at my husband for "mowing a strip of her lawn"....he thought he was being helpful. So we sent her some flowers and apologized and said it would never happen again. It was amazing how her attitude changed from that day on! :) Might not work every time, but it will no doubt get them to thinking.....hopefully. Blessings to you!!
There are so many excellent comments above - especially Diane and Mad Red Hare, that I can't add too much else. I want to say that we aren't all like this and I think most of your blog readers really appreciate and care about you. You do fantastic work, get shipments out so fast I can't believe it, and I love all your designs. Don't let the petty, ignorant minority get to you. In conclusion, why can't we all be kinder to each other??? Love to all. Janet
ReplyDeleteYou said it best Janet! :)
DeleteDumbstruck, again! I really appreciate your work, blog, and site. You are are shining example of how to do business. THANK YOU. Tamsyn
ReplyDeletePeople just don't think before they hit send. If I am upset about something or with someone and I am going to send them an email, I type it up while I am furious and then I save it. Once I have cooled down and looked at the situation objectively than I go back to my email and edit it, a lot! Sending vicious emails is just the cowards way out.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you had to deal with such inconsideration. It's unfortunate that some people just can't be polite. There are ways to be polite and considerate of the recipient's feelings while expressing the displeasure. Unfortunately some people haven't learned this lesson.
ReplyDeleteBut don't you also think that the deplorable way we see folks talk to and about each other on TV every day has an effect? Just look at the disgusting things that politicians say to and about each other every day, much of which is lies and innuendo.
ReplyDeleteAs always, your words have so much wisdom...It seems like there is SO much nastiness in the world right now. Yes, there are a lot of people struggling....but does being mean and critical help? I don't think so. Warm regards, Eileen
ReplyDeleteI believe that if you cannot say anything nice to someone - don't say anything at all!!!!! Maybe she thought that the
ReplyDeleteruder she was that she would be assured to get her money back?? Speaking kindly also works so she maybe should try that sometime!! Sorry you had to endure that rude behavior. I love your designs and I hope you do not spend another sleepless night over such unnecessary rudeness!! Have a good day!!
Mary
I just read your latest post and felt led to comment. What a shame it is that people let their ill mood, bad-day, lousy attitude, etc. serve as a guilt-free reason to yell at someone, kick the dog etc. Truth is, there are some of us out in the same world that would never think of yelling at someone, kicking their sweet dog, or anything else rude even if someone did wrong us in some way. There are those who would simply pray for the person who wronged them and ask for Divine help to love others.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told you are one of the best purse designers I have ever seen. (Trust me I do a lot of internet surfing). Your ability to convey to people how to sew a purse that would be something they would never even consider attempting if they didn’t have your help is beyond wonderful. Your ability to come up with the different patterns, word the instructions so a self-taught, novice can understand and follow, and lay it all out in a way that makes it an easy, pleasing project, is way beyond compare. Because of you many can sew their own purses and are encouraged to discover their own fabric scheme and wear their beautiful accomplishment for all to see.
I’m sorry you had that email from someone who honestly was someone who is unable to approach a situation with honor, dignity and respect. I am so happy that you didn’t give up and quit making your beautiful patterns. So many people like me can only follow along on instructions that you have provided. We rely on you for your creativity and knowledge that you so willingly share. Please know that you are greatly appreciated and loved. I’m glad you have decided to hit the delete button now.
It upsets me just reading about what people say and do to others.
ReplyDeleteTake care, and don't let those few get you down. You have a wonderful talent. It's a shame some people feel they need to take their frustrations out on who ever comes along in their path of fury.
This is an unfortunate reflection of our culture. Personally, I do everything that I can to be just the opposite. The online community does need to address this problem with every opportunity. Ironically, in my quilting group on Tuesday, the purse making members were discussing you, your designs, and your site-friendliness in general. They love your designs and your very specific instructions. There will always be wacko's, but they need to be called out, like misbehaving children, then perhaps they will think twice before they behave so badly. All of the sewing and art community who have blogs need to champion this cause, once the word is out, it may drive some change!
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing Corrine! Please tell the purse-makers in your group that I LOVE getting pictures of groups with the bags they make! Those are my favorite kind!
DeleteAnd thanks also for taking the time to write. I have the most terrific customers in the world!
THIS WAS A VERY GOOD POST AND I TOTALLY AGREE.. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS.
ReplyDeleteIt really feels good to have all of your support! Thanks SO much for taking the time to respond to this post. You guys are the BEST! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this happened to you. However I wouldn't even waste my energy in getting upset over something someone said in an email. Maybe I just have a different view than you do, and I won't take it personally. Basically I view it as a person who is cowardly, they wouldn't have the guts to say these things to your face, so they feel totally comfortable in hiding behind a machine. It also shows me that this society now is affected by machines, and it should be the other way around. Everything we do involves a machine. It seems people don't hold value in a human being any more, nor do they think about feelings.
ReplyDeleteI understand your point about a person being behind the machine, but I also see the delete button as the most powerful way of dealing with such a person. In other words they don't matter, therefor you do not warrant my time and energy getting upset over something you said. It seems to me that the woman in question had some type of issues, of course her humor is not yours. I truly empathize with your point of view. Brandy
Kat, I am sorry you have to deal with those people. Frankly, I think they must be mentally ill to do such hateful things. If it starts out negative, just delete. There are so many who admire you and love your work, focus on that. I have always told my children, your enemies will believe anything negative about you, your friends know the truth about the lies.----an ardent fan, Denise S
ReplyDeleteYou know, Kat, there is a saying about pleasing the people all of the time, etc. The world is full of interesting people, some we would rather not know about! Just chalk it up to a screw loose and move on. Keep a jar to put pretend "screws" in. Seriously, trying to tell these people what they've done is a waste of your precious time. Anyone who has contact with public knows we always get one in every crowd. I have been downgraded at shows with comments like I've seen better, you want that much for this?, etc. My darling sister can be numbered in this category. Bless her heart, she really thinks she's right at times with her comments. We just smile and ignore her!!! You are doing a great job, after all, I won your contest which really boosted my spirits at a time I thought I was done doing anything with my hands and brain again. That wouldn't have been possible if you hadn't designed the Boho for me to make for my sister. So let the nuts ramble, they fall to wayside, and your loyal band of purse-onalities will carry on. You are loved by us all, Kat, and don't you forget it!!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are all the greatest! I'm printing some of these comments for the next time I get a crude email!
ReplyDelete:)
I think we have to remember that people are different and they don't react the same as we would so don't expect them too! But at the same time we should not have to be berated by people. Unfortunately in these times of email and the internet it is not hard but impossible to walk away.
ReplyDeleteOK, LOL, here is my somewhat solicited advice. If you can (or if you already have one), have an assistant to pre-read all email and just generate the ones that you should read. I know of a couple of others that do their business through the internet that way. The email is sent to the assistant then the assistant forwards the wanted email to you. I guess it would have to be someone you would really have to trust but that is a whole different subject. And if the email is requesting a refund, maybe the assistant could delete all the nasty stuff. I don't know, that would be a decision you would have to make.
I am however sorry you had to read such garbage, and that is what it was!
It is just my opinion but I think that it all has developed over some years and here we are now. It started with our society concentrating on bringing our children up with good self-esteem, which is great except that it quickly turned into them believing that they were the ONLY important person and that the world should revolve around them. We have lost our sense of common society and the idea of the group supporting the individual and visa versa. Now days it seems like everyone is so busy thinking that what they want and what they think is the only thing that is important and as a result they discard everyone else's feelings as being unimportant. Add to that the prevailing sense of entitlement to instant gratification of their wants and feelings and you get emails like you recieved. The really sad part of it all is that things do not seem to be getting any better and I feel really sad about what has happened to our society. I wish we could go back to common decency and a sense of community like it once was.
ReplyDeletehaving been in a job around young people for 30+years i have to agree with you !!!
DeleteGood for you. This reminds me of this big conversation I had with a girl (friend) on facebook. She posted that she was really upset about something. I tried to help her by writing this big email to her, and she ended up saying, "Oh, I was just having a bad day that day." I think this generation is sharing too much of themselves, with all the social networking going on. Maybe they need to slow down and take a walk for a while instead of staring at their computers all day.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your daily blogs! You make me smile! I think THAT'S what it's all about!
Have a nice evening!
Brenda
I'm so sorry you have had such hateful emails, and glad most of them are nice. I enjoy your "Work in Progress" emails so much and am impressed with your painstaking work. The finished bags are beautiful. I hope to get back to sewing and make some for myself one of these days when my work load slows down. Best wishes. Beth
ReplyDeletehi,what i learned is that the ugly emails and such are written by people who are miserable in their life at the time and in a sick way take it out on others that can't retaliate.so,what I say to myself is--no matter what ,I am so grateful that I am not that person today!then I don't let it get to me.
ReplyDeletethan I say the serenity prayer!!
adele in wash state
The red-headed Indian and her Terrors just sadly shake their heads and say to you (and the others) "Ya think?"
ReplyDeleteGod Bless!
Having had a similar experience from a "dear friend" (I thought we were friends) in which she told me I couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of sales (I sell fabric and sewing machines at a Viking dealership and buy regularly from them as well) and was completely out of touch, I can really empathize. I had just driven a 46-mile round trip to see her and help her out with software problems she was having, brought software, encouragement, suggestions on work-arounds, etc. I don't know if we are friends any more after what she had to say. Guess customer service doesn't always mean anything, and that venting is more important than good relationships with those with whom you deal. Oh well. Try not to let them get you down. You already know I think your work is FANTASTIC! Keep doing what you're doing, and don't let the occasional crackpot get to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Barbara L.
internet has made this worse but it has always gone on. i worked for the phone company for 33 years, started out as an operator. people would say things to us they would never have said to someone face to face. we were not "real" people to them, just a voice on the end of the phone.
ReplyDeleteBecause you and I adore cats, I assume you're as highly sensitive as I am. I read nasty things in the "comments" section of brand new customers' orders every now and then--and I'm taken aback. I thought by now, everyone with any online experience at all knew that typing words in all caps is considered yelling--and is rude--yet one customer seemed to have had no qualms with putting this in the comments box of her order: "I keep adding this comment and then it disappears. DO NOT charge/SHIP IF I DON'T MEET THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE FREE SHIPPING OFFER OF $100 MERCHANDISE. PLEASE CONTACT ME if my order won't fill in total." As if that wasn't enough, she even called me the next day to see if I had all of the items she ordered in stock. When I informed her I had already shipped her order (she obviously hadn't read the order status update email I had sent to her the night before), she laughed--hopefully because she was embarrassed by her rudeness. Like you, I didn't see the humor in her call. When I read these rude comments, I can tell myself, "This person has obviously been burned before," but I feel hurt by their prejudice--and their assumption that their comments or emails won't be read by a "real person." Years ago, when I was working as a night stocker in a retail store, I had an assistant manager named "Ed," who would say "Thank you" to each of us at the end of our shift each morning. When I reminded him he didn't have to thank us because we were getting paid to work there, he said, "It doesn't COST anything." I realize most of us are in a hurry, so when I read, "Thank you!" in the comments box of an order, I think of Ed--and I smile. The next time I see you at Market, I will give you a big hug. In the meantime, you will have to settle for a virtual one. :) Lisa
ReplyDelete